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An Open Letter to the Media: Please Stop Giving Kevin Federline a Bath.

I opened up GQ this month, flipping through it, getting a contact high from all the cologne samples, and what do I see? Another pictorial of Kevin Federline in which someone has convinced him to shave and wear something other than a wife-beater. This pictorial tried to do something interesting, featuring Federline underwater smoking a cigarette.

You know, the photographer could have been a hero if he’d just applied pressure to K-Fed’s head and held him under until he stopped moving. At least GQ had the sense not to put him on the cover this issue.

Guys, Let’s be serious here. Stop trying to give Kevin Federline a bath.

I know, you want to be the one who makes a silk purse out of that sow’s ear, but at least six other magazines have done that in the last year alone. There’s a whole advertising campaign that is built around the premise that if Kevin Federline were ever to own shirts with sleeves, he would definitely own sleeves from Blue Marlin.

Let’s be honest with ourselves. It doesn’t matter if you give him a bath, or comb his hair, or give him a shave. We all know that the moment he leaves the studio, he’s going to get corn rows and wear flip-flops and socks at the same time. Why do you bother?

Seriously, Guys. Stop wasting the effort on Kevin Federline. Maybe you should spend some time on Jordan Bratman, X-tina’s hubby.

He might not sing, but he makes records that sell…