Malbela.com

The single gayest music video isn’t by The Village People. It isn’t by George Michael or Boy George. It’s not even by a man. The gayest music video ever made is Bonnie Tyler’s ‘Total Eclipse of the Heart‘.

The entire video starts in what appears to be a castle. One can only assume that Ms. Tyler has been kidnapped by Tim Curry or possibly Meat Loaf, as the video reminds me of Rocky Horror and every single video Meat Loaf has ever made. I have watched the video six times now. I’m still expecting a motorcycle at any moment. Driving a motorcycle through a castle is basically the only schtick Mr. Loaf has.

The first few minutes feature Ms. Tyler, wearing all white in an mostly white room. There are enough candles and decorative bottles for one to assume that an interior design terrorist detonated himself at some point. And at 23 seconds in, there are balls swinging from the ceiling. I’m just saying.

Stevie NicksBonnie Tyler stands at her window, moving her head back and forth as if she’s lip syncing, yet not moving her lips as her lace curtains blow dangerously close to roughly $400 of the best candles the Newark Pier 1 has to offer. Bonnie runs out of her room, perhaps to escape the cloying scent of patchouli pomegranate tuscan spice candles. Dear SteBonnie, it’s fruitless. Those are not the only open flames you’ll find in this place. Far, far from it.

Bonnie NiTyler walks down the hallway of the castle/school and comes across a series of open doors, each with red silk chiffon curtains blowing in the the strongest wind machines that power ballads can buy. Behind the first door, boys sit at desks, staring at Bonnie as if she has interrupted something. She has… the boy on the far right has his shirt completely unbuttoned.

Bonnie quickly moves on to the next door, where a young boy throws poultry at her. Obviously Ms. Tyler wasn’t in on this part of the storyboarding for her video. Further down the hall, boys in speedos stand close together as they are splashed with a bucket of water. Bonnie heads off into the chapel. Because nothing gay ever happens in a church.

That’s when the Ninjas strike. Dancing ninjas. It’s at this point that the video just breaks down into a series of stereotypes.

Bonnie witnesses a table full of well dressed young men sing to one another as they drink. Gymnasts tumble with one another, wrestlers collide with one another. Fencers engage in a little sword play, Football players tackle one another, but apparently all their jerseys are in the laundry. Young men in black leather stand really close together and fondle their own chests and asses. The entire time, Bonnie sings about how much she needs you more than ever. I mean, the love she’s longing for seems to be unrequited. Bonnie, I hate to break it to you. Your heart isn’t the only thing being eclipsed.

It’s interesting to note that the lyric sang as the leather boys fondle themselves is “I’m always in the dark.” Bonnie, there’s a difference between not seeing and not admitting. I mean… when the four football players literally stopped rubbing together and ran away, letting you collide with a mirror… it should have been a clue.

Now our video starts to break down… Bonnie runs away, the boys start throwing food at one another, the fencers take off their masks to release a torrent of yellow liquid. Frankly, we’re not even going to attempt to decipher that part. But it ain’t sweat. And they’re not the only damp boys.

Then… this happens:

That’s right. A creepy boy choir, made up of the same boys who were earlier pressing against one another shirtless and wet. Oh… and the youngest is really light on his feet.

It’s all down hill now… The choirboys attack Bonnie, trying to bring down her estrogen oppression. They’re assisted by dancing boys in loincloths. And an angel. As Bonnie, obviously overcome, puts a hand to her forehead, head hung in shame and bewilderment, the scene shifts to daylight.

Bonnie shakes hands with the boys, and one does the creepy glowing eye thing as he sings ‘Turn around, Bright Eyes’. Then all the boys run into the building gleefully with a much older man.

Bonnie is left alone, in the cold.