In the Meantime:

The single gayest music video isn’t by The Village People. It isn’t by George Michael or Boy George. It’s not even by a man. The gayest music video ever made is Bonnie Tyler’s ‘Total Eclipse of the Heart‘.

The entire video starts in what appears to be a castle. One can only assume that Ms. Tyler has been kidnapped by Tim Curry or possibly Meat Loaf, as the video reminds me of Rocky Horror and every single video Meat Loaf has ever made. I have watched the video six times now. I’m still expecting a motorcycle at any moment. Driving a motorcycle through a castle is basically the only schtick Mr. Loaf has.

The first few minutes feature Ms. Tyler, wearing all white in an mostly white room. There are enough candles and decorative bottles for one to assume that an interior design terrorist detonated himself at some point. And at 23 seconds in, there are balls swinging from the ceiling. I’m just saying.

Stevie NicksBonnie Tyler stands at her window, moving her head back and forth as if she’s lip syncing, yet not moving her lips as her lace curtains blow dangerously close to roughly $400 of the best candles the Newark Pier 1 has to offer. Bonnie runs out of her room, perhaps to escape the cloying scent of patchouli pomegranate tuscan spice candles. Dear SteBonnie, it’s fruitless. Those are not the only open flames you’ll find in this place. Far, far from it.

Bonnie NiTyler walks down the hallway of the castle/school and comes across a series of open doors, each with red silk chiffon curtains blowing in the the strongest wind machines that power ballads can buy. Behind the first door, boys sit at desks, staring at Bonnie as if she has interrupted something. She has… the boy on the far right has his shirt completely unbuttoned.

Bonnie quickly moves on to the next door, where a young boy throws poultry at her. Obviously Ms. Tyler wasn’t in on this part of the storyboarding for her video. Further down the hall, boys in speedos stand close together as they are splashed with a bucket of water. Bonnie heads off into the chapel. Because nothing gay ever happens in a church.

That’s when the Ninjas strike. Dancing ninjas. It’s at this point that the video just breaks down into a series of stereotypes.

Bonnie witnesses a table full of well dressed young men sing to one another as they drink. Gymnasts tumble with one another, wrestlers collide with one another. Fencers engage in a little sword play, Football players tackle one another, but apparently all their jerseys are in the laundry. Young men in black leather stand really close together and fondle their own chests and asses. The entire time, Bonnie sings about how much she needs you more than ever. I mean, the love she’s longing for seems to be unrequited. Bonnie, I hate to break it to you. Your heart isn’t the only thing being eclipsed.

It’s interesting to note that the lyric sang as the leather boys fondle themselves is “I’m always in the dark.” Bonnie, there’s a difference between not seeing and not admitting. I mean… when the four football players literally stopped rubbing together and ran away, letting you collide with a mirror… it should have been a clue.

Now our video starts to break down… Bonnie runs away, the boys start throwing food at one another, the fencers take off their masks to release a torrent of yellow liquid. Frankly, we’re not even going to attempt to decipher that part. But it ain’t sweat. And they’re not the only damp boys.

Then… this happens:

That’s right. A creepy boy choir, made up of the same boys who were earlier pressing against one another shirtless and wet. Oh… and the youngest is really light on his feet.

It’s all down hill now… The choirboys attack Bonnie, trying to bring down her estrogen oppression. They’re assisted by dancing boys in loincloths. And an angel. As Bonnie, obviously overcome, puts a hand to her forehead, head hung in shame and bewilderment, the scene shifts to daylight.

Bonnie shakes hands with the boys, and one does the creepy glowing eye thing as he sings ‘Turn around, Bright Eyes’. Then all the boys run into the building gleefully with a much older man.

Bonnie is left alone, in the cold.

I’d only been asleep an hour or so, and I started having a dream about Kevin Spacey eating doughnuts. They were Krispy Kreme chocolate creme filled and he was sucking the filling out of the hole in the side they inject it into.

This was rather disturbing, disturbing enough to wake me up.

I’d fallen asleep in such away that one of my legs and both of my arms had fallen to sleep. The cat was asleep on my stomach. I couldn’t move or get up, and really a dream like that requires movement to erase from your brain.

I can walk again, but I may be scarred for life.

And he doesn’t seem to do it that often. Add to that the fact that the big football fan in my family was my grandmother. It just took something away from the sport when Gran’s cheering for the Cowboys.

In high school, the coaches always wanted me to try out for the football team. I never took them seriously. Didn’t they see me in gym class? Didn’t they know that I tended to fall over giggling when tackled? Of course, I also fell over giggling when running track, playing baseball, or any other physical activity. It was a defense mechanism.

I knew why they wanted me on the team. I was rather large and looked like I would be difficult to knock over. I’d like to draw your attention back to the whole ‘giggle and fall over’ thing.

So, I’m not watching the Super Bowl. Hell, I’m not even sure who’s playing. Let me check.

The Patriots and The Eagles. Wow, Could we get more All-American?

Instead of watching the Super Bowl, the Half-Time show, The Pre-game Show, The Post Pre-game Pre-game Show, and all those commercials that we will see way too often in the next few weeks… I went shopping.

MJ just got this while spell checking something.

I is sure that Microsoft wouldn’t do anything wrong.

Ok… what I’d like to know is… who is being paid by the layer over at the White House? That’s the only way I can explain this image.

That banner is about a page curl and a lens flare from getting a designer shot. Photoshop should come with built in sensors that detect when someone has gone too far. Maybe give some sort of warning.

And don’t get me started on this image of Dubya.

During my wanderings tonight, I stumbled upon a site that had some interesting poetry, written by a young poet.

One time there was a big girl.
Now there was a good girl,
I runned to her,
She runs to me,
Then she goes sweaty,
And I go sweaty,
But why?
But why?
And then we started to kiss.
And then we stopped and hugged.
But why why why why.

Because there was a little girl transformed into a big girl.
Then she transformed into rainbow flashing.
And then a heart came up, raining hearts.
She runs away from it.
The heart follows
The moon follows
The nice follows her
I don’t know her.
But she knows me.

Wanna know more about this poem & the poet? (Yes. Yes you do.)

The poem is about one of the heros in the popular Harry Potter Series. No… not Snape. Good guess though.

This kid has the hots for Hermione.

The original title of the poem is “I Kiss Hermione”

The poet is a Six year old Canadian boy who loves lego, harry potter and making out with Hermione Granger apparently. Hermione was unavailable for comment.

I could so easily take this to the coffee house, leave off the title, and dramatically read it. It’d be a hit. They’d tell me I’m deep and someone would by me a latte.

It’s like cool, daddio.